Stand-up Saturdays
Ah, the programmer’s life. We bend pixels to our will, wrestle logic into submission, and occasionally, shrink our overbearing bosses to the size of a sassy thumbtack (completely by accident, of course). Yes, you read that right. Let me introduce you to Gerald Grundleson, the office tyrant with a combover that rivaled the Texas skyline. One day, this monument to micromanagement became a living testament to my coding ineptitude.
It all began with a particularly nonsensical request. Gerald, bless his micromanaging heart, demanded a new “productivity monitor” to track every employee’s keystroke, mouse click, and bathroom break. Now, this office already boasted enough surveillance to make Big Brother blush, so naturally, I balked. But Gerald, with the negotiation skills of a particularly stubborn mule, wouldn’t budge.
Being the good (or perhaps slightly vengeful) employee, I decided to give him his precious monitor. Except, with a mischievous glint in my eye, I coded a little script to “optimize” his productivity. I envisioned it as a harmless prank – autocorrecting passive-aggressive emails to blunt commands and replacing social media with motivational workout videos.
Photo by Fernando Arces, please support by following @pexel.com
Little did I know, my code harbored a mischievous gremlin. See, Gerald, in his infinite wisdom, had a custom keyboard shortcut – Ctrl+Alt+Shrink – to minimize windows. Thanks to my glorious script lurking in the background, this shortcut became a recipe for disaster.
The first sign of trouble was Gerald’s strangled yelp. I whipped around, expecting to see him choking on a stale doughnut (a frequent occurrence). Instead, I found him flailing his arms in mid-air, a look of sheer panic plastered on his face. Then, with a comical poof, he vanished.
My heart hammered like a hummingbird on Red Bull. Had I…vaporized my boss? In a moment of sheer terror, I slammed my head on my desk, hoping it was just a particularly vivid fever dream.
Nope. There, nestled amidst the crumbs of a forgotten cookie, lay Gerald Grundleson, shrunk to the size of a Tic Tac. He was a miniature caricature of his former self, complete with a tiny, horrified expression.
“Jenkins!” he bellowed, his voice a high-pitched squeak. “What in the name of binary have you done?”
Now, I’m not known for bravery. But a tiny, squeaky Gerald was far less intimidating than his usual bellowing self. I gingerly scooped him up with a Post-it note, careful not to smudge his miniature pinstripe suit.
“Uh… Gerald?” I stammered, voice cracking. “Seems my code, uh, optimized you a little too much.”
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The next few hours were a blur of frantic googling, and whispered conversations with the office conspiracy theorist, Mildred (who, for once, seemed suspiciously gleeful). Apparently, the code had tapped into some obscure 3D animation library, accidentally shrinking Gerald in the process. There was no built-in “un-shrink” function, of course. This was the kind of coding catastrophe reserved for the sleep-deprived.
As the day wore on, Gerald became a surprisingly useful, albeit squeaky, paperweight. He also proved surprisingly adept at navigating the keyboard with his tiny fists, sending out a flurry of unintentionally hilarious emails. There was the one to his boss about the “atrocious state of the office miniature golf course” (which, to be fair, was a mess), and another to a client demanding a shipment of “giant novelty pencils immediately” (a request met with much confusion).
Meanwhile, Mildred, fueled by a lifetime of questionable internet research, suggested a series of increasingly bizarre solutions. We tried chanting binary code (resulting in a disgruntled Gerald and a flock of confused pigeons). We attempted a “reverse optimization” script (which turned the office printer into a sentient haiku generator, much to the delight of the marketing department).
Just as we were about to resort to sacrificing a stapler to appease the programming gods, inspiration struck. It was a long shot, but it was all we had. I remembered Gerald’s love of cheesy motivational posters. With trembling fingers, I coded a new message that scrolled across his miniature computer screen: “Believe in Yourself (and Maybe Don’t Use Ctrl+Alt+Shrink).”
There was a tense silence. Then, with a pop that smelled suspiciously like burnt popcorn, Gerald reappeared on my desk, blinking and slightly singed.
“Jenkins,” he began, voice back to its usual booming volume…
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